December 11th, 2017
So today is super random. I wrote this post back in December, when I was frustrated with a lot of things (you’ll obviously see that below) and just wasn’t having a great day. I wrote this all out, but didn’t have the confidence to post it. I came across it in my drafts the other day, read it through, and thought it was really important to share it. It is amazing to me how insanely happy I am right now and how this post was written just a few months ago. I think it is a great reminder for all of us that things are constantly changing and if you are in a tough spot right now, it will pass.
A lot changed for me on December 11th, 2017. It was a Monday, and like many other Mondays, it was rough. Ever since I had started working from home almost full-time about three months prior, there was a delicate balance I was trying to find in my life. It consistently teetered over a few different things – loving being alone all day but not losing my community, not having to leave the house but still taking care of myself, and having a lot of time to myself but using it wisely just to name a few. Reading this you might think, “Poor you, getting paid to work from home,” and while that might be true, there’s a lot more to it than that.
I have always been a multi-tasker, ever since I was a little girl. It is near impossible for me to just sit still and do one thing, except for maybe read a book. Even during things like yoga I am constantly making lists in my head, and there’s no way I can just sit down and watch a TV show without having my computer open doing some kind of work or research. The same thing goes for work. I can do good work, but it has to be on my own terms, in my own way. The whole 9-5 in an office thing at a desk does not work for me. So when I started to work from home, I was so excited to finally have the freedom to get my work done when I wanted to and still do a bunch of things around the house in the meantime.
This dynamic worked really well for me in the beginning. I’m not exactly sure when the shift began, but on that Monday I realized something was wrong. As I discussed, I have always had a funny relationship with food. I started to notice that some days I would eat anything and everything in my house and other days I would eat literally nothing, but you’re able to make those choices when you’re sitting staring at your kitchen all day long. I also began to notice that I was wearing the same extra-large sweatpants that belong to my husband, t-shirt of my dad’s from a class trip in eighth grade, Patagonia zip-up, and slippers every single day. Sure, I was comfortable, but this was gradually wearing my confidence in myself down. There’s something to be said about dressing up once in a while. It was around this time that Chris and I began trying to have children, which totally messed with my skin when I stopped taking a few medications, so that wasn’t helping in the confidence department either. Although I was getting a lot of work and personal things done, my self-esteem was getting worse and worse each day. I was craving Chris to come home so I could whine to him about my day and how boring my life was. I had yet to realize that I had (and still have) so much potential to change and create my own circumstances – and that is a luxury that not everyone is given as freely as it was to me.
So in the late afternoon of December 11, I decided to change my own mindset. After a day of basically lying around the house, I pulled myself off the couch to get ready for a spin class that I really didn’t feel like going to, but I knew my husband and girlfriend would be waiting there for me. I put on a pair of Lululemon leggings and one of their tank tops that I feel like accentuate my curves. I even put a little makeup and some earrings on, since I was having a particularly bad skin day and knew it would help give me a boost of confidence to going out in public. As I was driving to the gym it was just starting to snow, which immediately made me regret my decision to leave the house, since there’s not much more I love than being home while it is snowing outside, but I kept going.
Once I put my things away and entered the cycle studio, anxiety began to cripple me. I had never done a real spin class before and had a bad attitude about it, but then I saw my husband. He was already on his bike, waiting for me and waving to me with a big smile on his face. He helped me get my bike set up, gave me a kiss, told me about his day, and my worries started to fade away. The instructor came over to give me a breakdown of the class, my girlfriend arrived and seemed genuinely happy to see me, and things started to get better.
Although the class wasn’t my favorite, the endorphins, upbeat music, and time spent laughing and sweating with people I love felt life changing. My friend and I spent the 15 minutes after class catching up on life, and when we finally walked outside to head to our cars, it was a straight up blizzard. Everything was covered in snow, and it could not have been more gorgeous. As I was driving home with a huge smile on my face, I started to think about the magic of snow. It has this power to transform an entire city. It hides the blemishes, the dirt, and the dying grass. It brightens up a dark night and blankets the ground in glitter. It makes everything softer and encourages people to slow down and focus.
As Chris and I cuddled up on the couch that evening to watch A Christmas Prince on Netflix and eat spicy enchiladas, I was overcome with gratitude. Gratitude for so many things – my flexible job, my strong body, my girlfriends, my husband, our home, and the list goes on and on. I realized that although my conditions might not be ideal, they never will be and that’s okay. However, I have the power to interpret them and to take advantage of them in whatever way I please. So here I am the next day, still in my oversized pajamas, but I’ve taken baby steps today. I peeled myself out of bed for a 6am hot yoga class, I made myself a healthy breakfast of a protein shake and Ezekiel bread toast, I worked hard at my actual job and around the house, I took some time for myself to read and watch The Bachelor, I prepped dinner for tonight, and I am about to head out to get a facial to hopefully help combat my currently very sensitive skin. Slowly but surely, I’ll find that balance.