I am at a really weird spot with my job right now, and I’ve been here for a while. Although the situation certainly isn’t black and white, I can classify it into two distinct categories:
I have been with the company for about three years. My role has evolved over time, but overall I know my job in and out. I am very comfortable with what I am doing and am challenged a bit, but not too much where it becomes overwhelming. One of my co-workers is one of my good friends. I have a lot of flexibility in regards to the hours I work, working from home, and taking vacation time. I work out of an unconventional office space that allows me to work outside often. There are a few annoyances (and when they surface, they are almost unbearably intense), but I would say they make up only about 15% of my overall work environment. The other 85% of the time I wouldn’t say that I am content, but I would certainly say that I am comfortable and settled into what I am doing.
I am bored here. I get yelled at (often enough to be unacceptable) for ridiculous things that have nothing to do with me. I don’t have a lot of attention from my supervisors (which some of you may think would be the best, but trust me – it’s not) and oftentimes find myself completing a project and sending it off to get zero feedback and have my work be ignored for months or sometimes even indefinitely. The company morale is terrible. Sometimes I find myself crying for reasons I can’t describe before I need to go to work.
So it’s pretty clear that I am not happy here, yeah? I am not inspired by what I do one bit, and I am certainly not passionate about it. Yet there are still some things that are pulling me towards staying here. I would be lying if I said I wanted to utilize my MBA to my fullest potential and move up in the business world and really excel here. I don’t want that at all. Honestly, I got my MBA because I want to open my own business one day and I thought it would be great knowledge to have for that.
What would I be doing in an ideal world? I’ve thought about that a lot lately and came up with a few things:
Be a mom: full-time
Go back to personal training or teaching fitness/yoga classes: part-time
Really pour more time into writing, whether that be on this blog or towards a book: part-time
I really am a very simple girl. The things that make me happiest in my day-to-day life include:
Having the time to grocery shop, meal prep well, and cook delicious, interesting meals for Chris and I
Keeping the house clean and organized
Not rushing through the mornings and being able to wake up naturally, stretch, meditate, exercise, and set my intentions right for the day
Spending time each day with people who make me better – Chris, my family, and my best friends
Reading and writing
And the things that inspire me the most are:
Having ample time to sit and think – not rushing around doing things I don’t want to do is key for me
A few select people in my life
Really taking care of myself to feel the best I can physically and mentally – exercise included here
Absolutely none of those things are included in my current work situation, which is really sad. I completely understand that so many people in the world are in non-inspirational jobs, simply because we feel like we need to be, but I am also a believer in the fact that when you are ready to move on, the next right thing will be there waiting if you are in the right mindset.
I think one of the reasons that hasn’t happened for me yet is because I am not 100% ready to let go of the steady paycheck and flexible work environment I have. Would I be happier, more alert, and excited for my days if I was running my own mini-business(es)? Absolutely. But I would also probably be more stressed about budgeting and technical things of that nature than I currently am. So is the trade-off worth it? I’m really not sure. It’s a hard question to answer, and one that I’m not quite ready for yet. I’m hoping that when the time is right, it will be so clear that my decision is automatic and unmistakably the right one.
The other day I was having a conversation with my sister about a tough decision she was in the process of making and I realized the advice I was giving to her was totally applicable to my situation, too. One of her choices would result in a final event, closing a chapter in her life. The other choice would just allow her to continue down that same path for a while longer while she waited for the right time to come to make her decision. Which there is nothing wrong with! Sometimes we’re not quite ready to say “no” entirely and just need to figure it out on our own until we’re sure it is something we won’t regret. I think it shows strength to keep trying for something or someone when you know there is something tying you to it or them.
I’m not really sure what my point is in saying all of this, but I suppose it has something to do with the fact that I have to imagine there are other people out there in similar circumstances who also have trouble voicing the season of life they are in. It’s tough, but I think it helps to vocalize what’s going on and say it out loud so you can at least get a grasp on what’s going on inside your head.
I do hope that the circumstances shift soon for me and that I get a clear answer on what to do, but in the meantime, I’m trying to be okay with this “in limbo, waiting game” part of it.
How is your week going so far?